Turning 32
Quote by Esau McCaulley
*Please be tender-hearted as you read. This is a sensitive topic for many (including me).
:: 32 ::
Most people who know me know that I’ve lived with depression for most of my life. It ebbs and flows, and there are still moments of hope when I’m in the middle of it. But these days are heavy. PPD, I think. I struggle to reach out to other people, find joy in things I usually love, have energy to stay awake during the day and peace to sleep at night.
It’s vulnerable to talk about, because people react in such wild ways to “the D word”.
Think positive!
What do you have to be depressed about?
You need to trust God more!
And because I fear what others think or being a burden or coming across as a self-pitying narcissist, I hide the bad and celebrate the good. Like hiding a broken arm because it makes me look weak. But I can’t give depression power by tiptoeing around it. I don’t think that’s how Abba wants me to steward this particular thorn in my flesh.
So I’m going to share the very raw parts of my story. If not for my mental health, then for that person out there who can’t get out of bed, who doesn’t know how to make or keep friends, who feels irreparably broken. To the person who believes they’re the only one: You are not alone.
If we ascend to heaven, He is there. If we make our bed among the dead, He is there. If we take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there His hand will lead us and His right hand will hold us. If we say, “Surely the darkness will cover me, and the light around me will be night,” even the darkness is not dark to Him; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with Him.” (Psalm 139)
So here’s my to do list: See a doctor again, talk to trusted people again, find a counselor again, exercise (again?). Most importantly, know that God is using and redeeming me while in the middle of my struggle. I’m not required to be depression-free before the Lord advances the gospel. I will boast in my weakness so He can prove Himself strong. That is my hope as I enter year 32.
Father, please… bring life out of death AGAIN & AGAIN, that you may receive all the glory.
