Everything All At Once

These days. Sometimes I want to bathe in them, soak them into my bones. Finn will pull my arm to stay in bed with him after we read together, or Crosby’s face will light up as he explains a new soccer move, or Lottie will scrunch her lips and say, “I wuv you, momm-ay,” and the joy almost hurts. Because I’ve been a parent long enough to know how fleeting these moments are.

Then, in the same breath, I think of how nice it would be to take a literal bath. To soak my tired bones in hot water and salt, with nothing but a pile of books as my companion. I dream of trips to Switzerland with our besties and maybe writing a book of my own one day. And along with that longing is sadness, because who knows if those dreams will come true? And even if they did, would I just go back to yearning for right now, with all of its long days and short years?

I’m trying to make friends with the joy and the sadness, the peace and the longing. Life and love and parenthood—it’s never one thing at a time. It’s everything, all at once. And I guess, as I think about it now, that’s the beauty of being alive, isn’t it? God didn’t throw me into a beige world—He filled it with every color, every glimmer, every nuance of His character, so I might know Him and depend on Him more intimately. And in the center of that colorful wilderness, HE is everything I need, all at once. He’s not just my Savior, He’s my friend. He’s not just my comfort, He’s my laughter. He’s not just the light unto my feet, He’s my purpose in the journey.

So thank You, Abba, for Your withness and my loved ones and this good, short life. Thank you for the ability to hope and dream and trust You with the future. And thank You for being a bigger, kinder God than anything I could possibly dream up. Simply being loved by You is more than enough to fulfill the heart of this tired mama. I know it to be true; help me know it more.

2024–let’s go. 🥂

Photos by Sophie Lindler Photography