Okay, remember when Lorelai comes to Luke’s at, like, 5 in the morning begging for coffee, and he says, “Stop drinking coffee!” and she’s like, “Oh, I can't stop drinking the coffee. I stop drinking the coffee, I stop doing the standing and the walking and words putting into sentence doing.”

Lorelai without coffee = Mel without her comfort zone.

But then Mel signed up to go to Soul Camp all by herself.

I actually thought I’d be good at the traveling and staying by myself part, as well as the getting-to-know-new-people part. I love being by myself! I never get to do it! Give me a good book and some snacks, and I’m a happy girl. Plus, I love people! I have a heart for ministry, and it’s one of my favorite things in the world to get real with women about the pain in our lives. God has equipped me for this exact kind of challenge! I got this!

NARRATOR: SHE DID NOT, IN FACT, HAVE THIS.

Y’all. I was really bad at it. ALL of it. There is a reason solitude is called a PRACTICE. I had no idea what to do with myself! Am I hungry? Am I sleepy? Am I just bored? I honestly couldn’t tell! And then I walked into camp, filled with people I didn’t know, and my freak-out-o-meter blew through the roof.

How do I form normal human sentences?

I just asked her her name 3 seconds ago— it would be rude to ask again, right? Yeah, that’s rude. It’s probably, like, Prometheus or Chrysanthemum or DANG GIRL WHY WEREN’T YOU LISTENING THE FIRST TIME?! Ohhh, that’s right. Because your social anxiety gobbled up your brain like it was the last of the Easter candy.

Phewwwww. That is a lot of feelings. What to do with them?

It’s in moments like these that I’m endlessly thankful for therapy. No small part of me assumed it would prevent me from having fears in the first place, but instead, it gave me tools to face the fear when it comes.

So 1. I acknowledged my feelings: “Mel, you’re scared, girl. You’re scared of not connecting with anyone. You’re scared of saying the wrong thing in front of a leader you admire. You’re scared of your very real limitations.”

Then 2. I told the truth to myself: “It’s human to feel fear and loneliness in a new environment. It’s okay to sit in those feelings for a while. But also, acknowledge that you are not alone. Who can you reach out to for prayer and support?”

And after texting Jasper, 3. I offered my feelings back to God: “Lord, You are not surprised or limited by my fear. In fact, You knew I’d feel this way, and You are with me in it. Help me to live embodied: to stretch my tight back and take deep breaths. To call out my social anxiety and laugh about it with the gals. To replace my shame with Your compassion. I acknowledge that in all the places I can’t, You can. So thank You for being God, and for surrounding me with safe people who love you more than life. Most of all, thank You, King of Heaven, for being my Friend and never leaving my side, especially here in my moment of weakness.”

Over and over—even in the middle of my loudest fears—I felt the Spirit whisper to me, “Sweet Mel, I’m not in a hurry with you.” And I’m rehearsing that kindness to myself as I reflect on all that Soul Camp was. He’s not in a hurry to change me—to remove the mess from my heart. In fact, He loves being in the mess with me. For the One who holds all of time and space in His Almighty hands, the process matters more to Him than the product. So I can freak out and belly breathe and make a new friend and repent of my sin, and He is forever with me and proud of me.

He readily gives rest to those He loves, and—thank You, Jesus—He loves me.

He loves you, too, you know. Let’s pursue His rest together.

Soul Camp

Enough

A Psalm 46 Meditation