Love is Supposed to be Easy… Right?

Photos & videos by Rachel Perrella Photography; “Dancing in the Minefields” by Andrew Peterson is covered by Alison & Tanner Springgate

“When love is right, it’s the easiest thing in the world.”

Have you heard this sentiment before? I have. Like, a LOT. 

But can I be honest with you? I think it’s reeeeally well-intended… garbage.

I think falling in love with someone you’re compatible with is easy and fun and one of the most intoxicating feelings in the world. But love itself—choosing it day after day, year after year, decade after decade—is pretty dang hard. 

Jasper and I met when we were idealistic teenagers. We didn’t even know what we didn’t know! But we knew we loved each other and we wanted to get married. We chose this lifelong commitment when it was mostly laughter and gentle disagreements and dreamy, late-night talking. But marriage (and early adulthood) quickly shifted the relationship to tight budgets and “Did you finish all the almond milk??” and fighting about sex, parenting, expectations, even how to fight. Y’all! It is MESSY! We have not arrived at the 15-year mark with a soft bead of sweat on our brows. We arrived drenched in muck and rain and blood. 

But here’s the thing: we did somehow make it here. And we’re more aware than ever that the thing holding us together is not our ability or the “rightness” of our love, but the faithfulness of our God. 

Jasper and I fail each other all the time, in a myriad of nuanced, intimate ways only marriage can unearth. But I’m learning that that’s okay, because human love was never meant to satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts. We were made to love God, and God never fails. He meets us where we are. He calls us up to endless patience. He invites us into hard-fought, radical honesty. He guides us to the gentle waters of forgiveness. He restores what the enemy tries to tear apart. And He does it all slowly, graciously, and with the help of other people. 

So, I don’t know if love should feel right and easy all the time. I’m sure it’s possible (genuine kudos to you if that’s your story)! But I know the great love story of my life is not between me and my husband—it is between us and our Savior. Getting to worship the King of Kings next to Jasper, as we laugh and disagree and repent and read Gottman books, is a genuine gift. I am thankful for this good, hard life because God gets glory from it, and that’s all that matters.

——

We like to renew our vows every few years because it reminds us that marriage is a continual choice. And as we evolve, we get to commit our hearts to Christ and one another in more honest, realized ways. So here are the vows I made to Jasper on a gray, chilly beach in Oregon. The day was nothing like I planned in my head. But it was real, and God was in it, so it was beautiful (much like marriage).

Oh, my Furn. I can’t believe we’ve loved each other since we were just baby teenagers! We dreamed so big and we knew so little. But I’m proud of that version of us! Because look where we are now. Look where God has taken those sweet, love-struck kids. 

It’s been a hard and holy privilege to grow alongside you these past 20 years. Even in our hardest moments, you have constantly pointed me to the God who never leaves—who never questions His covenant with His beloved. Thank you for loving me faithfully and taking this commitment seriously. I see you work hard and repent often and seek help, and it all means more to me than you know.

I’ve learned a lot since the first time we made vows to each other. Back then, I promised a lot of dumb stuff about playing ping pong and watching The Cosby Show (man, that one hasn’t aged well). But since those early days, I realized how much I still don’t know about loving someone well. It’s an impossible task, if you think about it, to give your heart and soul to another, day after day, year after year, even when we change through seasons and trials. Vows are not easy things to keep, especially on our own strength. But this one Eugene Peterson quote has stuck in my brain all year, which is why I put it up on our wall at home. He says, “Every day I put love on the line. There’s nothing I am less good at than love. I am far better in competition than in love. I am far better at responding to my instincts to get ahead and make my mark than I am at figuring out how to love another. I am schooled and trained in acquisitive skills, in getting my own way. And yet I decide, every day, to set aside what I can do best and attempt what I do very clumsily—open myself to the frustrations and failures of loving, daring to believe that failing in love is better than succeeding in pride.”

So that’s my honest vow to you here at the 15-year mark: I promise to keep choosing love, clumsily. Even though I’m bad at it and have so much yet to learn. 

I guess, really, the most important vow I can make to you today is to keep loving, trusting, and pursuing Jesus with my whole heart. To rely on our good Shepherd to hold us together, even when we’re tempted to break apart. I vow to pray for you more often. To pause in the middle of an argument to take a breath and invite God into the moment. To recognize and name the hard thing without turning you into my enemy. To continue to pursue therapy and godly community. To be honest with you, but also honestly believe the best of you. To seek to see you every day through the eyes of our Savior. And to embrace the beauty and mystery of this side of heaven with you—my husband, my friend.

I know I will fail at these promises. But each vow I make to you is first and foremost an open-handed prayer to God—an admittance that I am faithless where He is faithful. That in all the ways I can’t, He can. I need His help even to realize how much I need His help. So it’s by the strength of His Spirit that I recommit my heart to you, and I thank you for walking next to me on this messy, beautiful adventure we call love. 

I hope you believe me when I say this: dancing in the kitchen with you and our miraculous Little Furns is worth more to me than all the money in the world. We are rich, Furn. We are rich in every way that matters. 

And so it continues, my dear. Lots and lots of types of days. 

I love you. Let’s keep going.