[I wrote this letter to our future kids this past summer under the hot Dominican sun, after almost a year of infertility. It would still be several months til the Lord blessed us with our little growing child, but in the meantime, this letter was my form of surrender. Of trusting Abba through the doubts that seemed truer than the truth.

Even today, as I sit here 15 weeks pregnant, I'm still surrendering our children to Him. He is the only Giver of Life, and whether we meet our child this year in a warm Greenville hospital or maybe a few years from now in a small orphanage in Ethiopia, they are His, and all we can do is trust Him as He chooses to entrust them to us.

So this was and still is my prayer and love letter both to my future children and my faithful Jesus.]

Sweet kiddos,

Mama loves you so much today! I don't know if you exist (though I hope to see your beautiful faces someday soon), but what I do know is this: even though we don't know each other yet, you are a part of me, and I'm so thankful God made me your mama. I love you and want to spend time with you SO much, I'm going a little nuts here!! This is a kind of love I've rarely felt before. It's a little disorienting and incredibly vulnerable... and to be honest, sometimes I get a bit lost in it. But I think that that's the kind of love worth having—the kind that envelopes your whole being, that brings faith to life in a bold, crazy way... the kind that, when surrendered daily, teaches you more about Abba Father than you could ever know apart from it. Christ kindly opened my heart to love your daddy that much many years ago, and now I know how it feels to love you that much, too. Though this long season without you has been almost unbearable, I've gotten to know and deeply trust our Jesus more than I ever could have without this time. So I hold onto hope... We'll see each other soon. Like I said, you're a part of me—I couldn't leave you if I tried! And I promise you, sweet kiddos of mine, that I will love you, serve you, and point you to our Jesus as much as I possibly can when you meet us on this earth. The greatest decision your dad and I ever made was to love our good Savior. And if there's one thing I'm MOST excited about, it's witnessing you knowing Him in this short life. He is the Giver of all good things (He gave us you, after all!) and we pray your eyes will open to His great mercy, gentle spirit, and life-changing love that turns brokenness into beauty and brings hope to the hopeless... just like He's bringing to your mama and daddy right now. Sons and daughters, I love you so deeply. And I MISS YOU! I think a reason I was created by God was to be your mama. And it hurts me not to hold you right now, to smell your smell, to laugh at your goofy Furniss jokes, to pray for you as you fall asleep on my shoulder. There's nothing that can make that hurt go away completely. It's just part of the process. Part of surrender. Part of our good Lord faithfully making us new. But please know that I carry you with me, and I love you more than my heart can hold. Come meet me soon... whenever Abba says it's time. I wait for you with joy and prayer.

Love, Your Mama

Coming July 2014, about a year after I wrote this letter. God is good.

A Love Letter

A Social Media Confession

Immovable